Yes, No, Maybe list for couples

What a Yes, No, Maybe list is

A Yes, No, Maybe list is a list of things a couple might try together, in bed and beyond it. Each of you marks every one: Yes if you want it, Maybe if you’d try it, No if it’s not for you. Then you compare.

Couples use one because asking out loud is hard. “Would you ever want to…” puts the person asking on the spot, and a No can sting. A list turns it into a game you play side by side, and it brings up things neither of you would have thought to ask about.

The catch with a printed list is that you see each other’s whole sheet, Nos included. This one only ever shows what you both chose. If one of you ticked something the other didn’t, it simply doesn’t come up, so a Yes costs nothing to give.

How to use this one

1. Add your names, if you like. They’re only there to say whose turn it is.
2. The first of you answers alone. Go through the list and pick Yes, Maybe or No for each. Skip anything you like: it counts as No.
3. Hand the phone over. A screen in between hides the first answers, and the second of you starts on a fresh list.
4. See your matches together. “You both want” is everything you both said Yes to. “You’re both open to” is where at least one of you said Maybe, without saying who.

Nothing is saved or sent anywhere: the answers live on the screen while you use it, and a refresh clears them. Do it in one sitting, somewhere you can each answer without the other reading over your shoulder.

What to do with your matches

Start with the first list, the things you both want. Pick one, the gentlest if you’re nervous, and turn it into a plan: when, where, and who brings what. A match that stays on the screen is only a nice surprise. A match with a date on it is an evening.

The second list is for talking. A Maybe usually hides a condition, so ask about the how rather than the whether: what would make it feel right, how far, and what you’d want first. You don’t need to know who said Maybe to ask that.

Many matches lead somewhere further. If you both picked blindfolds or ice and wax, sensory play is where to look next. Meeting as strangers at a bar is the first step of roleplay, and light bondage or one of you in charge for a night opens up BDSM. Most groups on the list have a page of their own in the ideas by theme.

For the conversation itself, see how to talk about fantasies.

Tips

• Leave the misses alone. If something you picked didn’t come up, let it go. Asking “what did you say to…” undoes the point of the list.
• Go one match at a time. Trying one thing well beats rushing through five.
• Talk afterwards. What you liked, what you’d change, and what it made you curious about.
• Come back to it. Tastes change, and a Maybe today can be a Yes in a few months. Each time starts with a fresh list.

Questions