How to tell your partner about a fantasy

Why it feels so hard

Telling your partner about a fantasy feels risky because it is a little risky. You’re showing them a part of you they haven’t seen, and once it’s said, it’s said.

Most of the fear comes down to three things:

• Being judged. What if they think it’s strange, or worse, laugh?
• Changing how they see you. You’ve been one person to them for years. What if this makes you someone else in their eyes?
• A “no” hanging in the air. If they turn it down, you both know you wanted it, and it can feel as if that will sit between you for good.

All three are about being exposed with no way back. So the trick is to build in ways back, for both of you: a smaller first step, a softer way to say it, and room for either of you to answer “not that, but maybe this”.

Picking the moment

When you bring it up matters almost as much as how. Two moments to avoid:

• In bed, in the middle of things. It puts your partner on the spot when they’re most exposed, and any hesitation feels like a rejection to both of you.
• During or after an argument. Anything you say then sounds like a complaint about what you have, not a wish for something more.

Good moments are relaxed and a little sideways: a long walk, a drive, a slow evening on the sofa with a glass of wine. Side by side is easier than face to face, and there’s a natural way out of the conversation if either of you needs one.

Pick a time when there’s room to talk and no pressure to do anything about it tonight.

Ways in that lower the stakes

You don’t have to open with the whole fantasy. Each of these lets you test the water first.

Start with something smaller

If your fantasy is a big leap, share a smaller one first, or a smaller piece of the big one. If you’d love to be tied up, start with how much you like it when they hold your wrists. A yes to the small thing makes the bigger conversation easier, and you learn how your partner takes this kind of talk.

Talk about something you read or watched

A scene in a film, a story in a book, something a friend told you: it gives you something outside yourselves to talk about. “Have you ever thought about trying something like that?” is a far easier question than “I want to do this”, and their reaction tells you a lot before you’ve shown your cards.

Ask about theirs first

Ask what they’ve always been curious about, and really listen. People open up more easily when someone else has asked first, and it turns the conversation into a swap rather than a confession. Just be ready to share yours in return: asking and then going quiet feels like a trap.

Write it down

Some things are easier to write than to say. A message, a note on the pillow, a letter: writing lets you find the right words, and lets your partner have their first reaction in private before you talk face to face.

Use a Yes, No, Maybe list

A Yes, No, Maybe list is a list of things couples try, which each of you marks on your own. Then you compare, and only what you both said yes or maybe to comes up. Nobody has to say the first word, and nobody sees the other’s no.

What to actually say

Keep it short, make it about the two of you, and talk about the feeling rather than the details. Then stop, and let them answer. A few ways to start:

What these have in common: they invite rather than ask for something, they leave room for a no, and they’re about doing something together, not about something missing.

If they say no, or maybe

A no is the answer you were most afraid of, and it’s survivable. Thank them for being honest, and let it go. A no to a fantasy isn’t a no to you, and it says nothing about how much they want you.

Don’t push, bargain or bring it up again next week. Pressure turns one no into a reluctance to talk about anything at all, and then the next fantasy, theirs or yours, stays unsaid. If their answer ever changes, let it be because they came back to it.

A maybe is good news. It means “I’m curious, but not ready for all of it”. Ask which part appeals to them and which part worries them, and look for the smallest version you could both enjoy. A maybe explored slowly often becomes a yes; a maybe rushed usually becomes a no.

It can also help to look at what you really want from the fantasy. Often it isn’t the scene itself but the feeling around it: being wanted, being surprised, letting go. There’s usually more than one way to get there.

If they share one with you

One day it may be your partner who takes the leap. How you react in the first few seconds is what they’ll remember, so:

• Keep a kind, steady face. No shock, no laughing, not even nervously. Whatever you feel, you can sort it out later.
• Be curious. Ask what draws them to it, how long they’ve thought about it, what the best version would look like. Questions say “I’m listening”.
• Thank them. They just trusted you with something. Tell them you’re glad they told you, whatever you think of the fantasy itself.
• Take your time. You don’t have to answer yes or no tonight. “Let me think about it” is a fine answer, as long as you do come back to it.

From talking to trying

Once you’ve both said yes, start with the smallest version of the idea, the one that’s easy to laugh off if it doesn’t work. Then build on what you enjoyed.

If the fantasy is about being someone else, spend a night as strangers at a bar before anything more elaborate: roleplay works best when it starts close to real life. If it’s about control, one of you choosing the other’s outfit for an evening is a gentle first taste of dominance and submission. If it’s about being watched, exhibitionism and voyeurism can begin with a secret only the two of you share in a crowded room. There are more starting points in the ideas by theme.

Afterwards, talk about it: what you loved, what you’d change, what you’d like next. That conversation is far easier than the first one, and each one makes the next fantasy easier to say out loud.

A game built around this problem

Everything above is a way around one problem: saying what you want before you know how it will land. A Little Bit of Corruption is built so that you don’t have to.

Each of you likes dares in private, on your own phone. A dare unlocks only when both of you have liked it, and if only one of you does, the other never finds out. There’s no first sentence to get through and no refusal to live with: a dare only one of you wanted simply stays out of sight.

Every dare you complete opens the next ones, so you start with the smallest version and build, step by step, on what you already enjoy. A dare can have a part written for each of you, so one of you can hold a surprise. Start playing whenever you’re both ready.

Questions